Introduction
Your marriage is not a fairy tale because a marriage is a collaboration that lives and breathes as you both make choices every day. With over 19 years of marriage and counselling many couples, I understand what separates those who make it to their 50th anniversary from those who don’t make it to 7 years.
Before we get to the 15 game-changing tips for successful married life and tips on improving relationships, let me share something that makes me stay grounded when the comments, “marriages are luck,” come in.
Key Marriage & Divorce Statistics
| Statistic | Accurate Figure | Source |
|---|---|---|
| Lifetime divorce probability for first marriages in the US | ~40–42% (down from the old 50% myth) | CDC/NCHS & Bowling Green State University |
| Median duration of first marriages ending in divorce | 8 years | U.S. Census Bureau |
| Couples who argue fairly (5:1 positive-to-negative ratio) are far more likely to thrive | 5–10× lower divorce risk & higher happiness | Gottman Institute |
| Couples expressing daily gratitude report higher satisfaction | ~25% boost in satisfaction & commitment | University of Georgia (2015 study, confirmed 2022) |
| Couples discussing finances monthly have fewer arguments | 30% argue during talks (vs. 10% weekly; implies 20–30% overall reduction) | TD Bank Love & Money Survey (2021 |
| Percentage of marital arguments that are perpetual (unsolvable) | 69% | Gottman Institute (40+ years) |
| Couples maintaining high positivity (incl. laughter) have very low divorce risk | <5% risk for stable couples (after ~6 years) | Gottman Institute |
| Couples with 1–2 date nights per month report higher stability | 14 percentage points more likely to say divorce is “not at all likely” (21% for sexual satisfaction) | National Marriage Project (2023) |
These are aimed to show that successful marriages are not by chance. They have to get building.
These are the 15 successful marriage tips I share with every couple I work with, from newlyweds to empty-nesters trying to fall in love again.
1. Get familiar with the 5:1 Ratio. (This is Science, not Fluff)
Dr. John Gottman discovered that stable couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Compliments, small touches, inside jokes, just making someone coffee? These small deposits into the emotional bank account are what keep us from going bankrupt when conflict arises.
Practical Move: Before falling asleep every night, tell your spouse one specific thing they did that day that made you feel cherished. It takes 15 seconds, but it changes everything.
2. Stop Trying to “Win” Arguments
69% of arguments in marriage are on what you see as “perpetual differences” (money, parenting, sex, in-laws…). You won’t ever \”solve\” them. The goal is not to win, but to understand. Try replacing “you always ” with “I feel when, what are your thoughts?”
3. Schedule Sex Like You Schedule Everything Else That’s Important
Spontaneous sex is a myth after year five (or after you have kids). The couples that have the best sex lives treat it as a meeting on the calendar that they don’t skip. Yes, it sounds unromantic. It’s the most romantic thing you can do: prioritise pleasure together.
4. Conduct Weekly State of the Union Meetings
Over the course of twenty minutes (while sipping your favourite beverage), every Sunday morning, you should ask yourself the following questions:
- On a scale of 1-10, how connected did you feel this week?
- What accomplishments are you proud of?
- What actions would you like me to take in the upcoming week to love you better?
- What actions would you like us to take to improve overall?
Doing this weekly allows you to avoid resentment in the future. You can also hold this meeting at your preferred location.
5. Speak Your Partner’s Love Language
What is your partner’s love language? If it is acts of service and you are constantly buying gifts for them, you are not communicating in the love language that they understand. Find your love language, print it out, and put it on your fridge so you can see it daily to remind you. My love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation. My husband still teases me about the Post-it notes I used to leave on his laptop.
6. Defend Your Couple Bubble at All Costs
People are going to want your time. The strongest couples around me defend their time. “No” is their favourite word around kids, friends, jobs, and relatives. “No” to us is the only constant they have. Your marriage is the trunk of a tree. Everything depends on how well the tree trunk grows. Make sure you defend your tree.
7. Talk About Money Without Wanting to Cry (or Kill Each Other)
Arguments surrounding money are the second most common cause of divorce (the most common being infidelity). Schedule consistent monthly meetings to discuss finances. Ensure you all have separate (‘Yours’ and ‘Mine’) accounts in addition to a joint (‘Ours’) account. My husband and I are radically transparent with every purchase we each make and review every transaction. It seems intense, but we haven’t had a money fight in over eight years.
8. Keep Growing – Separately and Together
Each of your growth is essential in a relationship. The partner you married at 27 is a different person at 37. Read books together, we loved Eight Dates by John & Julie Gottman. Stagnation of growth is the silent killer of relationships.
9. Repair Fast, Repair Often
The difference between healthy relationships and those that end is the speed at which a couple can repair. A simple “I’m sorry I snapped, I was just stressed about work” can make the difference.
10. Celebrate the Small Wins Like They’re Huge
Mortgages aren’t the only debt that pays/ranks in order. Sent the kids to bed? High five. Couples who celebrate together have smaller kids and are raised in homes with higher incomes. It builds a dynamic that fosters a healthy family.
11. Extra Touch (Non-Sexual Touch Counts As Double)
Holding hands while driving. Shoulder rubs during cooking. Sit thigh to thigh and talk. Touching helps to calm the nervous system, reminding the body, “this person is home.”
12. Retain Some Suspense.
Instant de-attraction happens when you overshare every thought and feeling. Keep some parts of your life just for you. This could be a girls’ trip, a solo hike, or a hobby they dont get. Hearing (and seeing other people’s parts) goes hand in hand with growing fonder.
13. Creating a Singular Vision Beyond the Mundane.
Imagine you are in the future. What do you want to have achieved in 10 years? What do you want the future to look like? What do you want to be remembered for? Couples with a singular dream fight less about the mundane in life since they remind themselves they are part of the same team.14
14. Get Help with the Things that Drain You
If cleaning the house is ruining your vibe, get a cleaner. If cooking dinner is a nightly argument, order some takeout or try a meal kit a couple of times a week. You are worth every penny of protecting your energy for each other.
15. Choose Each Other Every Single Day (Especially the Days You Don’t Like Each Other)
Love is some action. Other times, you wake up in a funk because they were in a rough mood the night before. Just choose love. Make their breakfast. Shoot them a flirty text. Whatever it is, the action will keep love in the air. Just like that, love will follow the action.
The Truth No One Says Out Loud
Marriage is not some 50/50 split. It’s got to be 100/100, even when you’re feeling like you’ve got nothing to give. You will be in a season where you carry 90%, and that’s perfectly normal not to feel like it’s a “failure”. That’s real love.
Of the 15 directions, I’ve witnessed many couples on the verge of divorce turn it around from the brink to blossoming in 6 months. It doesn’t take all 1,5, and it doesn’t even take all 15 from the start. Just pick one.
The lesson I have gotten from 19 years of being a therapist, and also the years in many different forms of counselling.
The quality of your marriage doesn’t determine the quality of your life, but it sure does become the quality of your life.
So choose wisely, love fiercely, and never stop dating the person you promised to love forever.